Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
