It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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