i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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