My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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