When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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