Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize