just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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