look no pants
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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