My underwear smells like fireworks.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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