She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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