I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
