I just threw up on my dentist
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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