We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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