ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
