Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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