I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
