Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
