I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
