It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
