my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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