I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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