Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
