Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
