Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i permit you to call me
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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