you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
