Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
