Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
