You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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