i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
organizing the empties. That sober.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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