i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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