I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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