my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I enjoy the company of your penis
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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