just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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