Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
