My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
