either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
