I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
