Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
