In the future we'll all be gay
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
