my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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