An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
