Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
