I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I would fuck him just for his dog
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
