My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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