Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
