It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
