My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
