My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
