her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????