I cannot find my penis.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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