so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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