I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
