made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?