I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever