This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
